It's a crazy world we live in

How is it possible that this never gets a closure?

Since the day you left, I have loved and missed you every single day.

I have regretted letting you go when I could have held on. I regretted thinking with my brain and not my heart.

So what? So what if these visions torment me? So what if i scream and shout over the internet? So what if my friends sympathise with me? So what if people think im pathetic? No words nor any action will bring her back. Nothing will turn time back.

I put my trust unto you in the darkest hour of my life, for I trust you will deliver me from my transgressions.

It is difficult, really. Half a year back in RP? So be it then..

Yeah you probably was so afraid that one day, I would find you in your pile of garbage and kill you so slowly you wish you have never been born. You probably changed your face book name to some nerd shit name and never included your real name so I couldn't find you. Guess what? I don't need to. Karma will fuck you up real bad, and I don't have to do nothing about it.

I don't even understand why people like you were even born in the first place. A perfect family, a good life, born with a silver spoon in the mouth, what more could you ask for? Good parents, good environment, but you still fucked up. I bet they are so sick of you they would have wanted to disown you several times. You will pay for your wrongdoings. Mark my words.

I miss the old days, really. It all seemed more lively, as there was less regard for looking good and putting in too much effort to do things people of my age should be doing. Looking back, I saw how I have lost many good chances at wonderful people whom I have turned away because of my indecisiveness and inability to understand that getting over means opening up to new things. It all seemed colorful, just wasted upon stubbornness and immaturity. Only now I realize how dearly I should have clung unto those chances I left to rot. From what I understand and perceive, the emotional me have strengthened thanks to the tough battles I was forced to face.

Only now I realize the sun is about to set upon the arrival of the darkened night sky in front of my very eyes. It is only now I realize in a few short years this life would transform and conform into the very cycles of adulthood where the quest for survival is the one key thing I will have to face. The quest for a stable job, a good pay, a home.
I never liked growing up. It came with all that uncertainty of the future and working hard just to prove ones' worth. It wasn't exactly easy accepting that the time I once had is soon to be over. It just isn't fair, for life does not come with an undo button. If I could re-do this all, maybe Shane would not have been a bitter individual but a strong motivated person who could very well be pursuing his own dreams this very moment. Maybe it's not too late to change that.

To many I guess I used to be a better person when I was hovering around the Church on Saturdays and trying to live everyday as if God was watching. After all, nobody can escape from all temptations. I only stopped living that way because I knew if it was the one thing that was supposedly so precious to me, I would find my way back but ever since, I have drawn further and further away from it, with less hopes of returning. I lay in my own pool of sins that would never lead me back to the God I should always have believed in.
Yet despite that I have tried going back to Church and allowing myself to be open to God in prayer. Each and every time I knew, that I was welcome anytime. I just wasn't ready every time. I'm afraid of curious faces, afraid of judgmental peers, afraid that I would once again be disappointed by the only thing that gives me hope. The same question has been presented to me over and over again. What is of importance? What is of worth? I already know the answer but again and again I would automatically void it and never take that leap of faith again. I just wanted my life back. Thinking about how God seemingly never gets angry at how stubborn I have become, it makes me feel worse, as if i'm abusing the life I was given. It seems like I cant enjoy the life of a true Christian and neither can I enjoy the life of a non believer. It's frustrating, to feel out of control.