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I'll just never learn

February 04, 2011

If I told you I was perfect I’d be lying

So many things I want to say, but so totally restricted to logical reasoning and the amount of courage I possess.

I never knew why I was always thrown into complicated situations. Perhaps it was because I always gave up on the ones right in my face. Perhaps I just take life to seriously. Honestly, is it a sin? To say I've had enough, of being taught that we control our fate but get thrown so many things that I really have zero control over. Why do I feel this way? Honestly, I have no idea.

Life in itself is a confusing cycle. People are born, taught to be good usually, but end up turning into wolves eyeing on earthly treasures. This cycle can only continue and people will only bite each other like dogs. I always hoped to just stay out of the limelight and just get by life like a regular nerd with few friends. I guess it kind of succeeded and failed in so many different ways.

I never believed in fate, never believed in relationships, never believed anyone would see me for anything worthy, not after you left. This confidence only seems to demean itself every time I look at myself. No matter how much I fight against the fate that was cast upon me, you can never heal an amputee. You can never give an amputee real arms that would totally give them a new life. You would never heal a heart that was once shattered into a million pieces. You can pick them up, but will never fix them back together.

I have always hated the way I lived. The way things were, be it Education, politics, systems, anything. Anything around me that seem to draw little attention to the lives of the people around me I seem to give it too much thought. Life was perhaps supposedly as simple as making a bunch of friends and perhaps get married and have some kids in the future, while living in a seemingly enjoyable home. It now has been tainted with the worldly desires of people who want nothing but their own personal gain. A world was born, where men were divided again, into their different social status, their looks, their skin colour, and their ability. The system of this society proves thoroughly that men are not born equal. No matter how many quotes you bring up, you can never escape the fact that we humans have shaped this world into a world of people only fighting to prove they are better than others, only people who would climb on the backs of their friends on their way to the top. I have always hated how selfish people actually are. Do people actually care? Look at our country. Did you actually think you have a future here if you dont study? What do people who dont study end up doing? Did you think getting a house on your own was easy? I had always wanted to just get by, without realizing the importance of "education" in this society.  It's a crazy world we live in.

It’s funny, really, about these things I think about when I'm left alone. I feel stupid sometimes, always dwelling on the negatives, always irritated by people who give up, never realizing it was all me all along. It's funny when I am obviously that reserved and tell people to just whack and go fight for their dreams and their own happiness. Coming from a person with zero confidence, I wonder from where, did they draw inspiration from?

If i were to list down my weaknesses, there probably would be an endless list and I'd probably have to crack my brains for a long time. If it were to be strengths, then it'll probably be easier. Notice something? People including myself fail to look at what’s right in front of their faces. They dwell on what is bad for too long to realize what they are good at. It is almost like I, who dwelled on doubts against me, gave birth to the very reason why some were lost.

I know for sure if it worked out, we'd last a very long time. Fate decided it was impossible, so I guess that's it for me. I just can’t' help but wait, till that day.

This whole thing feels so encrypted after I read it myself. I wonder if anyone who reads actually understands what I am trying to say.

posted by cardaddy

Thank you for providing this entry. It is really useful for me.

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